Four Loko/Four MaXed

Case File: What could be more refreshing than a blend of alcohol, caffeine, taurine and guarana? Nothing, according to Chicago’s own Phusion Products. Which is why their original formula, Four Loko, hatched by three Ohio State University alumni, had to be juiced to 10% alcohol by volume for their most recent World’s Fair exhibit, 4 MaXed. Four MaXed comes in two only two flavors: Gold and Grape, while its little brother is available in eight: Uva Berry (huh?), Fruit Punch, Orange Blend, Blue Raspberry, Watermelon, Lemonade, Lemon Lime and Cranberry Lemonade. As of 2012 it is no longer available due to reported hallucinations, "unpredictable behavior" and its frequent link to violent crime.

Exhibit A:

Currently illegal following an FDA ban due to its mixture of stimulants and alcohol, a black market has slowly emerged on the dark channels of the deep web, Ebay and Craigslist, driving bootlegged 24oz. cans of Four Loko up to $15 a piece. That Four Loko and Four MaXed are illegal but massive, corrupt, billion-dollar TARP reappropriations are not is interesting. That a drink that is basically a Red Bull with a little alcohol is but collateralized debt obligations are not is telling. That a can of shit no one in their god damned mind would drink anyway is forbidden, but carrying a loaded .44 magnum into a park full of children is perfectly legal in the South, makes me want to log onto Ebay and set my max bid to infinity.

Problem: I kind of miss it.